07.1 How do we change?

The answer to the question that everyone's asking, but it's probably not what you are expecting...

Allow me to summarize where we are so far. I am God’s beloved. To him I’m worth everything! And yet, I don’t believe that. In this fallen world I’m limited, conflicted, and selfish. I desperately need to be accepted—to not be alone—but I’m stuck in a futile pattern of trying to earn love, to make myself worthy of it, and I find it impossible to believe that God is always already giving love and acceptance to me. “NO!” some part of me is always screaming, “It can’t be true that God likes me! I’m too_________/not enough of__________.” 

And even if I can believe for a moment that God really loves me—that he delights in loving and caring for me—I still find that a part of me refuses to accept that his love is enough. I need something more! Something more immediate. God can’t give me a hug! His ethereal presence can’t replace sex, or friends, or money, or respect, or a spouse, or __________! 

If only I could let go! If only I could rest in God’s loving presence! But how!? I always seem to fall back into doubt and grasping. Today I feel pretty good about trusting God, but tomorrow the car breaks down and there’s no money in my account, and I behave like I’ve never trusted God at all. Today I’m able to believe that I’m God’s beloved, but tomorrow I embarrass myself at work and immediately I’m convinced I am total trash. Today I’m able to believe God is enough, but tomorrow I’m tired, or scared, or hurt, or even happy and, well, I need that sin, or I deserve it, or “what the heck, it’s not that bad!” What gives?! HOW do I change!?